Hoakz' Pages - Mixed jokes

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Written by Unknown
Tuesday, 02 October 2007
A bunch of mixed jokes... “Money is not always the same as happiness, old friend.” “Maybe, but it’s nicer being unhappy if you are rich.” The senior physician at the mental institution made his rounds. “And who are you, sir?” He asks a patient. “I am Napoleon, can’t you tell?” answers the man. “And who told you that?” “Jesus told me so.” “What!” Exclaims the patient in the next bed. “That man is lying! I never told him that…” The guest asks the bartender: “Do you want to hear a story about how stupid a boxer can be?” “No”, answers the bartender with a frown. “The guy at your left is a national heavy weight champion, and the guys to the right of you are European champions in light weight and welter weight - and I am national champion in super-heavy-weight.” “Ah, never mind”, sighs the guest. “I don’t have time to explain my story to four boxers.” “Theresa and John can’t agree on where to marry. She wants a church wedding, he doesn’t.” “For Christ’s sake, can’t she let the poor man have his last will?” The Scotsman at the dentist: “I will have to pull out this teeth. And I think we need to use some anesthetics.” The Scotsman picks up his wallet and grabs his bills. “But, you don’t need to pay now”, says the dentist. “I am not paying, I am counting my money before you put me out.” “It’s an unfair world we’re living in”, says the artist. “If a bank manager paints - it’s nice - but if I paint bills I have to go to jail.” “Oh, daddy”, says the daughter. “You’re not listening to what I am saying about the party last night.” “Yes”, my girl, “I am listening.” “No, you are definitely not, because if you had, you would have freaked out a long time ago.” In a south German small town: “Is there any night life in this town”, asks the tourist. “Only at spring time, in the summer she’s always going away to Italy.” “Liz, your boss is always yelling at you. Why doesn’t he just fire you?” “Cause he can’t find anyone that’s willing or able to straighten out the mess I’ve made.” “John will probably fail miserably.” “So, how does he take it?” “Like a man…” “He choose to stay in there and fight?” “No, he’s blaming his wife.” In church: “Love”, whispers the groom. “To who are the four children carrying the train of your dress belonging?” “Oh them”, she whispers back. “They’re mine…” Between friends: “Why are you telling people you would never lend me the 10000 dollars I need so desperately?” “But I’ve never said that!” “Good, then lend me 10000 dollars.” “Mom, you know how much tooth paste there is in a tube of toothpaste?” “No honey, I don’t.” “Close to two meters.” “I’ve got good and a bad news”, says the doctor to the patient. “Tell me”, says the patient nervously. “The disease you are suffering from is very unpleasant. In nine out of ten cases the patients dick will finally fall off.” “Oh no”, moans the patient. “What’s the good news?” “I’ve had nine patients before you and every one of them lost his dick.” “Hey there!” calls the bartender to the man that’s staggering out of the bar. “You forgot to pay!” “Good”, slurs the man. “I am drinking to forget.” At the little lake: “Would it be illegal if I caught fish here?” asks the tourist. “No, it would be a miracle”, answers the farmer. Heard in the harbour: “Hey, why are you bathing with your clothes on?” “I am not bathing - I am drowning, you idiot!” “Jake, there is a rumor saying that when I am away in business, you and my wife are been seen together on different places in town, is this true?” “That’s a lie! We're only meeting at my place.” “Your son is really looking like his father.” “Hush, my husband might hear you!” “Love”, says Pete at Mary’s porch. “Can I follow you to your room?” “Can you be really silent?” “Yes, no problems at all!” “Then be silent and leave.”
Last Updated ( Tuesday, 02 October 2007 )